Celebrating Among the Zombie Hordes

It lives.

It seems appropriate to break the long silence by saying some thanks to those who helped celebrate my recent b-day:
Thanks to my lovely EM for the most elaborate and entertaining card ever, in which my large and misshapen cranium gets all explodey, and for all the pampering, pizza, beer and...well, everything.  And for cleaning up the brains.
Thanks to me mum for clothes, a great, relaxing weekend, and my favourite dessert, and for the seamless transition to cooking vegetarian.
Thanks to my most excellent friend TF for a book of first-hand accounts of the battle against the zombie hordes in World War Z.
Thanks to KH, JP, her boy M, DG, LM, MM, CB, MG, PH, JS, CH, KL, the notorious KTB, and all the others who wished me well as I (gulp) came to the end of my mid-30s.
Thanks to my new employer for the opportunity, for surrounding me with good people, and for allowing me to once again feed myself.  And for not firing me for posting to the blog during my break...hopefully.

More soon, and an update to all the blog-sidebar stuff, because I haven't actually been listening to the same CDs and reading the same books for a year and a half.  Honest.

AB

Glenn Beck Isn't Paying Attention

I don't have cable, so I've been slow catching on to Glenn Beck, the CNN personality who revels in being "politically incorrect". Today, however, I discovered some articles about him and started checking him out. Of the many...interesting...viewpoints he has presented, my favourite has to be his "razor wire" routine. He has, on several occasions, said that the Muslim world, foreign and domestic, will be looking at the western world through razor wire within ten years unless they prove to us, through words and actions, that they are against terrorism. Apparently, he hasn't noticed the educators, the clerics, and the everyday people on the goddamn street who denounce terrorism, live their lives like good, gentle people and try to educate through pamphlets, free copies of the Qur'an and invitations to mosques and learning centres. I'm not sure how he missed them, since I see them every day, but maybe he's just not paying attention. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he's been too dumb to notice...but with this "razor wire" threat, he suggests that Muslims will be in concentration camps, a la Nazi Germany, or the Second World War Japanese and First World War Austro-Hungarian (read: Ukranian) internment camps of which we're all so justifiably ashamed.

Now, take careful note of the context. Glenn asked me to, so I listened to his entire speech, just so I wouldn't mistake his point: Glenn suggests...no, boldly states that it's the responsibility of Muslims to prevent this; not those who would imprison them, not those who profile them, not those who paint them as a bunch of terrorists and terrorist sympathizers on national TV. And you know, I can hardly blame him for coming up with this. It's just so goddamn comforting, isn't it? We can just keep on arresting people for Driving While Brown, pulling people off planes for praying...we don't have to do a thing. We'll just let them prove to us that they're "good Muslims", and leave it at that. If they get rounded up, it's their own fault for not trying hard enough. If only the Jews had thought of that in the thirties, and worked harder to convince those Nazis they weren't so bad; if only the Japanese had learned how to stop looking so goddamn Asian during the Second World War; if only the Ukrainians had been more...more...well, I don't know what the fuck they were supposed to do; that's Glenn's department. But I bet they could have done something to earn our confidence, right?

Maybe Glenn would like Muslims to each "adopt" a white family - maybe do their laundry, or some yard work. Perhaps they could turn in their friends and neighbours - any Muslim who happens to badmouth the government or bemoan the fact that it takes them two hours longer to get on a fucking airplane only to be stared at for the whole flight by some crewcut military wannabe who's just itching for a chance to yell, "Let's roll!"

Maybe Glenn's got a point. Maybe they should know it's coming, and should be doing more to stop it. Maybe all the world's children who have been locked up, beaten down, uprooted and murdered en masse should have seen it coming and headed it off.

Then again, maybe Glenn deserves his own TV show about as much as I deserve to be Miss America. Maybe he's just a dumbfuck fascist who wants to have his cake and eat it too: to see those he fears behind razor wire, and be able to actually blame them for their fate.

AB

You, Sir, Are No Lenny Bruce

A quick warning - there are words in here that people will find offensive - even more so than usual. Some of these are words I would never use in an average conversation. I'm speaking about these words and the power they wield, and there's no way to do that without putting them in print. This is a discussion of language, and I'm using these words in a purely academic way.

I'm a huge Lenny Bruce fan - the guy was brilliant, and besides being funny, he had a lot of important things to say. One of the things he helped me get a handle on is the importance of language, and the fact that words have power - but that power comes from the way we use them, and therefore, it can be taken away. Many people try to control language, to keep certain words from being used for fear of offending. In some cases, that's fine. If I'm in a restaurant and someone's dear old grandma is sitting beside me, I don't talk about porn, or rant about what a fucking prick my boss is. I tailor my language to my surroundings, and there's nothing wrong with that. However, when we start banning words outright - especially racial epithets - we give them more power than they deserve.

Lenny Bruce said (and I'm paraphrasing somewhat) that if President Kennedy appeared on TV and used the word "nigger", then some little African-American boy won't come home crying when he's called that at school. Some people find this statement outrageous, and if you don't know Lenny's work, that's understandable. However, I don't believe he was encouraging everyone to use hateful language in everyday speech. I believe Lenny meant that we should talk about these words and their impact, and not pussyfoot around them. I cringe when I hear people call it "the n-word" while having an academic discussion about its use. For the Harry Potter fans in the crowd, think of "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named". The protagonist insists on using the name "Voldemort" to show that he's not afraid - that the name it has no power for him. I think the same is true for any racially-charged word: we should discuss it, and not be afraid to use it in that context.

One legendary routine involved Lenny walking through the crowd in a nightclub, pointing at each individual patron and identifying them by their heritage: "There's a spic...and there's a kike...and there's a white-lace Irish mick." He continued, working his way back to the stage, finally confronting a large African-American man in the front row, pointing his finger at him and simply saying, "Nigger, nigger, nigger." There was a stunned silence and a tense tableau until, eventually, the laughter began, starting with the target in the front row...and suddenly, the room understood: those words had suddenly lost their power, and they could talk about them. They could talk about how stupid they were; how ridiculous it is to use words like that as weapons; what a sorry specimen one must be to resort to name-calling to belittle someone else. I think this is an incredibly important lesson for all of us. We need to be able to talk about these words, rather than pretend they don't exist, or wish them away. The word "nigga" has been, to some extent, reclaimed by those it's meant to hurt, as have "queer", "fag", and other homophobic terms: more evidence that we need to recognize these words in some way rather than deny their existence.

As for Michael Richards' recent tirade: do I believe he was trying to make an important point about the power of language? No. I believe he's a moron, and was trying to be as hurtful as possible, thinking that it would be accepted by the rest of the audience as an over-the-top comedic rant. I do believe, however, that we should talk about what he said without being fearful of using these idiotic words in the context of discussion. The more we appear to fear them, the more power they have.

AB

If Only the Lottery Were This Predictable

I guess Madonna wasn't available for a headline-grabbing MTV kiss, so another blonde was called into play. The only thing unpredictable about this is that I would've bet money that Britney would be the butch.

AB

Fun With Data Entry

As it turns out, my temp job is educational. For instance, I now know that cement mixers have some dirty-sounding parts. The discharge rubber, for instance. And the drain cock. Not only that, but today I worked on data for a truck that had a leaking diaphragm.

Hey, when your job's boring, you take your fun where you can get it. You'd do the same, and you know it.

Shut up.

AB

Edit: I just figured out this is my 100th post. Go, me.

The Sad, Sad Truth

Soon, I'll get back to my usual complaining, as well as a bit on my new temp data job, where I'm learning how many parts of a cement truck have strangely pornographic names.

In the meantime, here's the truth on the previous post, now that 3 fine young women have taken a guess at which ones are true.

1. True. My dad's friend used to take me up and let me fly when I was a teenager. He'd do the takeoff and landing (could get in a spot of trouble for letting me do it), but he'd let me fly the rest of the time. I once freaked out my friend Derek by flying over his house at an appointed time. He forbade me ever to take a plane near his house again. Pansy.
2. Yes, a miniature poodle gave me seven stitches. I was walking him after an ice storm, he tied up my legs with the leash while chasing something, and I came down on a rock. Embarrassing, but true. But I still think the scar on my temple looks pretty cool.
3. Indeed, I said hello to Sarah, Duchess of York while doing security at her book signing. She said hello back and asked how I was, just as if she were a lowly human like me.
4. Yes, I outran a cop when I was a teenager. Stupid, yes, but I didn't deserve that ticket. And yes, I got away. Thank god for the 8-cylinder Cougar. Hey, does anyone know the statute of limitations on that?
5. Anthony Quinn (not to speak ill of the dead) came into the bookstore with his five-year-old son (Quinn was about 85...nice work, man) to get a book on Death Valley before they went there on vacation. I took him to the California section, and he thought it was in Arizona. I gently corrected him, and he was nice about it. Best line: "Are you sure? I live in California, you know."
   "Oh, I know you do."
6. Blind date with a veejay, yes. No, I'm not telling you who, and no, I'm not telling how it went, other than to say that was our only date...but it was fun to get looks from passers-by. I didn't make it up. Tali will confirm if necessary.
7. A car ran into me on a crosswalk on Gerrard, near Ryerson University. I was okay, but so angry that the guy was afraid to get out of his car until the campus cops showed up.
8. Orson Welles filmed a movie in my little hometown when I was a kid, and I was an extra in a crowd scene with him. It was a terrible movie and never made it to the theatres. Mr. Welles should be thankful.
9. I worked crowd control at a Jackie Chan book signing. I like to tell people I was there in case something came up that Jackie couldn't handle. Not true, but my security hat and all-access laminate made my nephew think I was pretty cool, for about 5 minutes.
10. I did meet Metallica backstage at a Toronto concert. All but Lars, because he was late, but I'm fine with that. I probably would have mentioned Napster or something. Really, the only one I was interested in meeting was Robert Trujillo, who is an animal of a bassist and once played for Suicidal Tendencies and Infectious Grooves. If you need confirmation for this one, Kyle will confirm. And probably tell you every detail. And show you his Metallica tattoo.
11. I did hold a live shark's mouth open with a gaff, but in my defence, I was only 5, and I didn't know it was alive. A family friend's son was a fisherman and took a picture of me with it on the dock. I'm going to pretend he released it and it led a long and happy life. Let us never speak of this again.
12. I did once lose control of a car when I was 17. I hit the ditch and, indeed, rolled end-over-end and sidways simultaneously, scraping a tree seven feet off the ground and landing right-side-up on top of a fence that happened to belong to the family of a school acquaintance who laughed at me for it for the next 2 years or so. That accident also earned me a nickname which I'm not sharing here. The car belonged to the lot where my dad sold cars. The saving grace is that my brother did the same thing with a mustang (also belonging to my dad's lot) when he was about the same age, so it took the edge off.
13. When I was five and staying in Florida, I used to go see the Phillies in spring training. They got to know me and invited me to swing at a few pitches.

So, turns out it was a bit of a trick question. All true. Surprise. Not as exciting when I explain them, though, are they? I knew that was a bad idea.

AB

Enough About Me...What Do YOU Think of Me?

After telling E.M. some drunken stories last night, it occured to me that not only have I had a lot of weird jobs, but I've had some pretty strange experiences outside of the workplace, as well.

Therefore, a quiz: which of the following statements about me are not true?

1. I flew a two-seater Cessna airplane.
2. A miniature poodle gave me seven stitches.
3. I broke protocol by chatting with one of the British royal family.
4. I was in a police car chase.
5. I corrected Anthony Quinn to his face.
6. I went on a blind date with a veejay.
7. A car hit me hard enough to roll me up onto the hood.
8. I was in a movie with Orson Welles.
9. I acted as security for Jackie Chan.
10. I hung out backstage with Metallica.
11. I held a live shark's mouth open with a gaff.
12. I rolled a car end-over-end and sideways, simultaneously.
13. I took batting practice with the Philadelphia Phillies.

Leave a comment with your opinion, and I'll post again shortly with the answers.

AB

Dear Mel Gibson,

Please take note of this.

Thank you, Mel. That is all.

AB